Relationships are complex creatures with no two being identical. We all react to situations uniquely and how we deal with traumas can seem unfathomable to others.
I have a lot of guilt surrounding the way our relationship came to an end, it’s something that I still don’t fully understand. In actuality our relationship came to an end several times. When we first broke up it was due to my overwhelming issues that I had buried for many years. I just couldn’t deal with anything anymore and I didn’t know what to do. I broke her heart, then I broke mine.
For years we connected and reconnected with neither of us likely understanding why. We were never again lovers and never again friends, we were something, somewhere in between.
Roughly 6 years had passed, and much had changed. We weren’t the kids we used to be. The last time we met, she had come to my town and reached out. We went to lunch and it was lovely to feel that connection again. I mistook this for a friendship that it never was.
Every year since we split I have wished her a happy birthday (as our birthdays are only days apart). Not once had she returned the sentiment. This was the catalyst for the final confrontation.
I checked in on her from time to time and her responses became less over time. In a misguided attempt to clarify myself I asked for a simple response for my peace of mind. The forthcoming response was the moment of clarity that I had been unaware that I had been searching for. We were not fiends. We were not lovers. We were nothing. Just a series of memories, good and bad.